theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
