Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
