True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
