i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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