Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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