i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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