probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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