i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
