i drank out of a bidet.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
