I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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