Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just want to make out with him forever
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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