is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
