Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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