My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
