I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
