Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
