I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
