puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
