I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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