The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
