yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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