I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
