I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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