my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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