Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
