I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
