she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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