Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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