Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
