my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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