In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
