It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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