i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
