that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
