If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
