she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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