I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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