i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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