i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
