Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
