Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
