ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
