I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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