Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
