Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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