matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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