he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
