shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
