You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Pooping to opera.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
