I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she told me i tasted like america
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
