2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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