Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
