My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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