Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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